The self-esteem movement should hate itself

Last week I stood in front of my 8:00 class for a solid three minutes in complete silence. Usually, after thirty seconds students in most classes get so uncomfortable somebody will utter something no matter how stupid. But not this class. They would sit for the entire hour and half if I let them. I finally asked, why is no one answering the question? One student blurted out fairly quickly: I don’t know the answer. This would be a fair enough response if the question hadn’t started with: What do you think . . . . It was a question completely based on opinion. Even when I ask this particular class, do you agree with A or B? They still won’t answer. The students want to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are giving the right answer before saying a word.

When I was working on the editorial staff of Harpur Palate, I remember receiving a letter complaining about a rejection. This isn’t uncommon when working on a literary magazine, but this letter stood out. One of the editors really liked this writer so they wrote him a quick note showing their admiration. The writer should have been thrilled. Anything beyond the form rejection is a definite thumbs-up. But the writer wasn’t so gracious. This person quickly sent in another submission, which is against protocol listed on the website, then became furious when this work was also rejected. The writer sent everything back to us. All the poems and the rejection letters. He claimed that we were just jerking a poor Southerner around and we needed to make up our minds if we liked the work or not.

Both instances should be an everyday occurrence that people can just brush off. Sure, when we first start sending out our writing, it’s hard to get back those rejection letters. So burn the rejection letter, tear it up, do something. To take the time to type up a letter is completely ridiculous. My students should have been told “no” throughout their education. But they haven’t. For the most part all of my students are freshman, a few are juniors in high school taking dual credit courses, and I’m the first teacher they’ve had tell them, flat out, no. And they don’t know how to handle it.

It’s not just the fault of the 80’s self-esteem movement that people can’t deal with the most basic rejections. It’s also the fault of standardized testing. And the fault of cultural intolerance that says if you don’t make the right life choices you will be punished. And the fault of abstinence-only education that says one mistake and your body is ruined. And the fault of politicians who never admit to mistakes. And the fault of the media that makes everything black and white, left and right, good and bad.

So purposely tell somebody the wrong answer today. Do it knowing and hoping they will tell you that you are wrong. Give out the wrong amount of change. Pick up the wrong umbrella. Send out a poem that is absolutely horrendous. Then apologize. Apologize because saying you’re sorry doesn’t make you weak or bad or pathetic. It makes you human. Apologize for the bad poem, the wrong change, the incorrect answer. Let’s stick it to the self-esteem movement and feel good about ourselves and be completely wrong at the same time.